


Road to recovery

by Ellajean_663



Category: Original Work
Genre: #equestrian #mentalillness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:33:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28950459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellajean_663/pseuds/Ellajean_663
Summary: Sarah goes on a life changing journey as she has some not so common experiences with an old friend. Her horse, and best friend Cole are the only things she can count on. But what happens when she is taken from the ones she loves and forced to do horrible things? Will she ever be the same?





	1. Sarah

“Sarah G. May, age 17, daughter of Colleen May, and an undisclosed father was brought to the Waterbury Hospital this morning. Reports say she was kidnapped and abused by this man… He is still on the loose, if anyone has any information on the whereabouts of the suspect, please call the number on your screen.” I watched as the news broadcasters made my abuse and psychological tourture sound as casal as buying a new car. Rage burned in the eyes of my loved ones, seeing His face on the screen was more than I could bear. I turned to Cole and buried my head in the crook of his neck. I startled him and he flinched away from my touch before relaxing and wrapping a strong arm around me.

Chapter 1:

Part 1: Sarah

The sun beats down on me, I can feel its heat through my helmet. The rhythmic breathing coming from below me steadies my focus on the upcoming jump. The trees swaying in my peripheral vision become a blur and my focus becomes just the fence before me. I sit up to bring Theo’s forehand letting him know that I see the distance. I’m three strides away when I feel him get confident and we go on autopilot as we have hundreds of times before. Our motions become one in the same, the true feeling of flying. I tighten my core and let him push me into my half seat effortlessly.  _ Heels down, hips back, chest up. _ His powerful hind end launches us over the jump and into the next canter stride. The technical course we just jumped disappears behind me as I sit up once again and feel the pure strength of the animal beneath me. Putting my complete trust in him I close my eyes. 

The sounds around me become sharper, clearer. An owl preparing to wake for the night ahead hoots in a nearby tree. To two beated gallop is a clean, soothing sound. The smell of Theo’s sweat is sour and smells like pure athleticism. Opening my eyes once again I notice my reigns got quite long to the point where his head was able to sink below his withers. In a state of true freedom and relaxation we gallop another time around the ring before I sit and bring him down to a canter and then a trot. The wind soothes my growing discomfort and dries the fresh layer of sweat forming on my forehead. I let Theo stretch his neck at the walk for a much deserved break. I give him a big pat on the neck and make sure to tell him what a good boy he is. The sweat makes a clapping sound. 

“How was that?” I shout over the increasingly loud wind. 

Megan, my eventing trainer watches me with a calculating look on her face before becoming me to her with her pointer finger. She waits until I am a foot away from her to answer. “Much better. Next time, remember to not let him fall apart after the jump. Support him through the following strides until you have him collected again, then let him go. This will keep him ready for the next jumps instead of falling apart and you scrambling to pick him back up.” 

We walk out of the ring and head back to the barn. It gives him a good 10 minutes to cool down and me time to chat with Megan about the upcoming trial. 

“Do you think we’ll be ready?” My question is more of a reassurance than permission as I am confident we’re well prepared. The look Megan gives me is all the reassurance I need. As we’re walking side by side I drop my reins and send a quick text to my mother.

_ Hi mom! I just finished my ride. All went well.  _ We reach the door of the green and black barn, I take my feet out of the stirrups and dismount in one well practiced motion. Theo reaches his head to his left side, awaiting his peppermint. Giggling I give him his reward and begin working on unlatching the metal clip on the gate in front of the barn entrance when through the window I see a flash of black running in the arena. I looked at Theo, but he didn’t seem to care about or even notice the blur. I don’t worry too much about it and swing open the gate, assuming I was just seeing a piece of my hair or something out the corner of my eye. With little warning, Theo, spooks and side steps, nearly crushing my foot. “Ah!” I let out a small yelp in surprise. 

“Oh! Are you alright?” The stranger’s voice sounds familiar like I’d heard it before, like I’d loved it before. Memories I had never lived before seem to play out like a movie behind my eyes.

I’m on the playground, no more than six years old. The sounds of kids laughing are just as plentiful as the sound of them crying. The jungle gym was once a bright blue, but the paint looks like it had weathered many years of use. My playmate tugs on my arm, I scowl at him, because I want to stay in my hiding place under the slide. I made friends with a fuzzy caterpillar. I named him Fluffy. Before I can turn around to see the face of my impatient friend I am broken out of my trance by the sound of blaring music. 

“Will you turn that down! We like to have the ability to hear around here!” I shout at the car that just pulled in. A silver Volvo, I don’t know cars so I have no idea what type it is. The black reigns slide down his neck as Theo reaches down to graze. From the corner of my eye, I see his back leg relax as he let out a slow, quiet sigh. 

“I’m sor--” His voice trails off as he comes around Theo’s head. A sense of knowing, the same knowing that I had when I heard his voice, flashes on his face. His eyes are wide and shock gradually takes over his features. I begin to feel self-conscious after the first few seconds of blank staring. _What’s wrong with his face? Where have I seen him before?_ Worried thoughts flash through my head until I finally manage to say, “Do I know you?”

He blinks hard and shakes his head. When he meets my eyes again, there’s a caring look on his face. “I think you do. My name is Perry.” My thoughts get jumbled in my head.  _ Did he say, Perry? He can’t be MY Perry, can he?  _

_ “Perry? Like, Perry Tidel?” He smiles a proud, comforting smile. It makes me feel safe like I’m a child again. Playing in the sandbox with my friend, my best friend. I grab his hand and pull him close, taking in his smell, his touch, his everything. Perry was my best friend from the  _ day I was born until he moved to Los Angeles when I was eight. I never thought I would see him again, but here he is. Here we are. 

“Miss me?” His cocky laugh rumbles deep in his chest. Stepping back, I look at him in the eye. 

“Never.” We share another laugh at our joke, remembering when we were young again. I’m brought back to the present when Theo nudges my hand, no doubt looking for more treats. “Perry, this is Theo. I told you one day I’d get a horse. Speaking of which, why are you here, at?” For the first time since I saw him, Perry looks nervous. He shifts his feet and looks around, avoiding looking at me.

“Well...I...ah...I sorta moved back here and uh kinda looked you up. In my defense I just missed my friend, and wanted to see how she’s doing.” His ears turn the same shade of red as my hair. It’s cute, seeing him all muscular and tall, but still just as insecure as when he was ten. 

“You did all that for me? I don’t buy it, why else are you here?” I accuse. 

“I might have also invested in a horse. If you’ll follow me, my lady, I can show you. Her name is May.” He holds his hand out for me to take. A shocked look is plastered to my face.  _ May? Like Sarah May? _

“I’d love to come with you, but I have somewhere to be and I’m already running late. Keep in touch though? Here is my number.” I type my phone number into his phone and say goodbye to my old friend. He apologizes for the music before turning his back to me. 

The gate is already open, so I push it open and pick up the reins. Theo eagerly follows behind me. The sound of breaking glass catches my attention,  _ is someone else here?  _ I put Theo back in his stall and untack him quickly. I wasn’t lying when I said I was in a hurry, I have somewhere to be before it gets too dark for my mom to drive. She has problems with her eyes and can only drive when there is daylight.

The saddle pad falls out of my hands as I struggle to keep hold of the saddle.  _ I’ll get it later.  _ Pushing open the door to the tack room turns out to be much more of a struggle than I had hoped. I place the saddle back on my assigned rack and am about to turn around to get my saddle pad off the floor when the sound of horses kicking wildly at their stall doors kicks me into action. I swing the door open with more force than is necessary and knock over my saddle. I don’t bother picking it up, a decision I know I’m going to regret. My only concern is finding the thing causing so much mayhem. The same flash I thought I saw in the arena is hopping around happily around the barn, weaving in and out of the horse’s legs. 

My footsteps echo in the now quiet barn. “Here doggie doggie!” I call softly, desperate to find it. I’ve checked everywhere I can think of when a realization dawns on me.  _ She’s still in a stall.  _ I hear the first squeal yelp, then another. They grow louder and more concerning as I near the back of the barn. I can’t tell if it’s a horse or the dog squealing. The sudden silence is deafening, even the soft sound of munching hay sounds like it’s yelling at me, reminding me of a fact I already know. Any one of these horses has the ability to end that dog with one kick. She or he clearly doesn’t understand the danger they are putting themselves in. I rush to find them before we have an unpleasant situation on our hands. 

I realize the squeal is coming from Lacy’s stall and rush to save the poor animal from being crushed. Lacy is one of the oldest horses here, she also has the most tragic backstory. When she was young, probably two years old, she was enlisted and forced to be a warhorse. 

She was not only broke much too young, but her “bombproof” training was rushed. Lacy was unprepared for the extremes of war, and it left its mark on her forever. She is intolerant of anyone or anything that is in a rush. She doesn’t put up with anxious people either. Judging from the size and speed of the puppy, I can only assume she is both of those things.

I peer into the stall and watch in amazement. The small black dog is happily thumping her tail on Lacy’s leg, as she is being groomed carefully by the horse looming over her. I’m in shock to see how calm and almost content both animals look in the presence of the other. The interaction between the two of them is beautiful. It is as if Lacy has accepted the puppy as her own, treating her as she would a foal. I chuckle in delight; It’s astonishing to see Lacy look so happy. We had suspected she was a broodmare at some point and this is the cherry on top. 

The stall guard squeaks under my weight and the animals look at me. The Lacy I’m looking at is the complete opposite of the Lacy everyone knew. It was like just the presence of the little dog was somehow calming her, reminding her of a time when she wasn’t so broken. I call over Megan to show her the interaction and she is just as awed as me. 

“What’s your name little dog? Maggie? Naw, that’s not right. Alex? Nope, still doesn’t sound right. Oh! I got it, Aria.” The dog’s ears perk up at the sound of her new name. “You like that one Aria? You like it?” Her tail thumps are louder and quicker. “We better get you a collar then, if you’re going to be a part of the Stanley Acres family. We should probably get you some better horse edicate too.” Lacy’s owner is here within minutes of my call with a leash and collar for Aria. I go back to retrieve my saddle from the ground, picking up the pad, and finish untacking Theo, who is sitting patiently in his stall. I throw his boots to the side and brush his shiny grey coat. “Bye, bye bean!” I say in a childish voice. I make sure I give him lots and lots of treats before I go outside to call my mom. 

My legs are about to give out from exhaustion, today is only half over and I feel like I’ve been awake for an eternity. The black SUV pulls into the parking lot, the driver looks just as tired as me. I flinch as the door handle burns my hand, it is he hot from sitting in the sun all day. There are papers thrown across the passenger seat. 

“Hey, mama,” I say cautiously, Mother has been known to get testy when she is stressed out with a case. She is a lawyer. Correction, she lives, and breathes, being a lawyer. When she gets too stressed I’ve learned to walk on eggshells, careful not too light the fuse and set off a bomb. 

“Hey, Sarah. How was the barn?” She says happily. I can tell she’s overcompensating, but the effort is appreciated. 

I explain what happened between Lacy and Aria. She is excited about Lacy, but her attention is clearly in other places. “You’ll never guess who I saw today. Perry!” 

“Perry? Perry Tidel? He’s back in town?” I finally peaked her interest. Realizing my mistake, I stare out the window and prepare for the storm that’s coming. “That  _ boy _ is a no good...I can’t believe you would still want to associate yourself with a lowlife….” She yells at the road for a few minutes before looking at me again. “You stay away from him, you hear me?” 

“Yes, mother. I don’t understand why you don’t like him so much though. He’s a really nice guy.” I plead. 

“Do you forget he is the reason you had to be home schooled until you were twelve? I don’t want you getting into any more trouble, now more than ever with colleges starting to look at 

you for scholarships.” She looks at me with her deep caring eyes, there’s no point in arguing, she’s a lawyer I’m basically trapped.   
“Where to?” My mother asks, taking a deep breath, and shaking off our stern conversation.  
“Cole’s, where else?” I respond. Taking off my tall boots, I shake the shavings and hay out and begin to wash them with my miniature leather cleaning kit.   
Saturday’s after making sure the morning barn work is done, I go to Cole’s house. I normally drive myself but my truck is in the shop, again. I swear that thing is always breaking down on me. Cole is eighteen and we’ve been riding together since we were eleven. Cole was the only boy at my barn and it didn’t go unnoticed. Everyone would make fun of him, so I took it upon myself to stick up for him and throw sand at anyone who even looked at him the wrong way. He has been my person, whenever I have a problem I can always count on him to be there for me. With his chocolate brown hair, emerald green eyes, broad shoulders, and strong face, he is the picture of every girl’s dream. Every girl but me apparently, I could never see him that way. It would be like dating your older brother. Ew.   
We pull up to the little house in the woods, and I hop out of the car to breathe in the fresh air. This place has always felt more like home than my own house. When we were younger, Cole and I would pretend we were adventurers, always searching for something new to explore in the woods.  
“Bye Mom! I’ll see you Monday! Cole is going to drive me to pick up my truck tomorrow.” I call after her as she backs down the driveway. I don’t think she heard me, or even cared to try.   
I don’t bother knocking, and let myself in. “Hey, party people!” I call out.  
“Hey party loser, we’re in hell!” a voice calls back. I laugh at our inside joke and walk down to the basement. Cole never liked being home, so we would hide in the basement when we had to stay inside. It became our own personal hell, not to mention it was downstairs where we could be as wild and demonic as we pleased.   
Cole is sitting on the brown, dusty, couch watching something on TV. “Oh god. Seriously Cole? Again? You’ve seen like every Spider-man movie in existence, get a more exciting life man.” He rolls his eyes so far they look like they would disappear into his head. I laugh and plop myself on the rocking chair across from the TV.   
His brother Miles is on the couch next to him passed out. “Was he drinking again?” Cole gives me a disappointed nod. Miles was always nice to me, when he got his license and a crappy old car car he drove Cole and I everywhere. It’s not like that anymore. Not since he started drinking and hanging out with the wrong people. Only nineteen and he’s throwing his life away. It’s a shame. He used to be a great guy.  
“Where do you want to go today? An adventure down the Amazon river? Motorcycle ride to the moon?” Cole teases, tossing a candy wrapper on the floor. He must have been sitting there a while, because there are at least fifteen other wrappers on the floor. He was surrounded, barricaded in by thousands of calories.   
“I was thinking something along the lines of a ride on the beach. Then getting tacos after?” Cole looks at the clock, it reads 2:39 PM.   


“Sounds good to me.” He heaves himself off the couch, “I’ll go get Ivy from the barn. I’m assuming you want Finley?” Cole flashes me a toothy grin as he stumbles up the stairs. I hear them creak under his weight, and laugh at his lack of coordination.   
“Do you even have to ask?” I quickly answer before he closes the door. Finley was my favorite horse before I got Theo. We would go for trail rides almost every weekend, even in the winter, Cole on Ivy and me on Finley.   



	2. Sarah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah and Cole's night on the beach doesn't quite go as planned.

**Part 2: Sarah**

The sky is darkening and I look up nervously at it, “Cole, maybe we should do this tomorrow. I don’t like the looks of the sky.” He follows my gaze upward. 

“No, I think we’re fine. It’s just the way the sun’s sitting behind the clouds.” He insists and continues loading the horses into his trailer. It is a short drive down to the beach, but it gives the sun time to completely disappear behind the thick wall of grey clouds. 

The faint sunlight was attempting to shine through the clouds, giving the water a mystical look. “Beautiful. Isn’t it?” Cole doesn’t speak but nods his head. His hair sways with the breeze. I never noticed it before, but he has faint blond highlights. I analyze the rest of his features, his jaw is squared and his eyes are green with slight specks of blue. I love those eyes. 

I’ve never seen him as anything more than an older brother, but maybe… no, I won’t even let myself think about it. I love Cole, but I could never love him as a boyfriend. Cole is looking off into space, not blinking or moving. “C? You still alive in there?” He blinks quickly and shakes his head. His focus shifts back to the road as he tries to play his daydreaming off as focusing on parking.

“Yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking.” He said. We park on the grainy yellow sand. I take off my sandals to feel it’s softness after leaping from the car. The golden pieces seep between my toes. Cole and I put our boots on and start towards the back of the trailer. Finley presses his freckled nose into the bars. Laughing, I give him a little pat. 

What goes through a horse’s head? Do they think as we do? Do they wonder about the things we wonder? I ponder this while I carefully take him out the back of the trailer. Beside me, Cole already has Ivy out and tied to the post. 

Ivy and Finley are siblings, twins in fact. If you didn’t know them you would think they were the same horse. I’ve grown up with these horses though. The differences were in the way they acted. Finley is extremely social and loves practically anyone he comes in contact with. Ivy is more secluded and keeps to herself, but once she trusts you, she will follow you through fire if you ask her to. 

Cole still looks troubled about something, but I didn’t push it. If there was something wrong, he would tell me on his own time. Rather than upsetting him, I tell him about Perry. 

“I was walking back from the cross country course…” I started. The story I told may have been a little exaggerated, but it stayed true to the actual events. 

“S, you know my rules about boys, especially that boy.” He groans. When we were thirteen I had a crush on a boy, so Cole made the rule that I was not allowed to talk to him about  it, or any future crushes unless I need him to beat them up for breaking my heart. Back then I thought it was sweet that he wanted to protect me. But now I wonder, is it about more than a need to protect me. Does it make him jealous? I remember my first boyfriend and how badly that ended. 

I called Cole in tears, “He left me! Miles left me for Jessica. I knew all along that there was something between them!” He never answered my calls, I wasn’t even sure he listened to my voicemail. Any questions I had about whether or not Cole had bothered to listen to the messages were thrown out the next day. The next day Miles came into school covered in bruises. He said they were from football practice, but something Cole said to me later that day made me suspicious.   
“He didn’t deserve you. I’m sure he knows that now.” I remember thinking that, maybe he had sent him a passive-aggressive text, but subconsciously I knew he had done something much more drastic. Through my relationship with Miles, Cole became distant and short-tempered with me. In a way I was happy to be out of the relationship, it gave me my best friend back.

I get lost in my thoughts while continuing to groom Finely. “We should’ve groomed them at home. The sand’s getting in my brushes,” Cole fumes, it’s like he is reading my thoughts. We laugh together and continue taking up our horses. 

“Thanks for this C.” I look to my right to see him already staring at me. 

“It’s your birthday S, there was no way in hell that we weren’t going out.” 

“What would I do without you?” I say, not expecting an answer. 

“Probably have a sad lonely life, and no tacos on your birthday.” I turn away quickly hiding my blushing features. I attempt to hide my embarrassment at the fact with a feeble giggle. 

Cole cups my boot in his hand and gives me a boost into my saddle. Cole, being a foot taller than me, doesn’t require any assistance getting on the 16.3hh mare. Something cold and wet hits my neck. I reach behind and feel sand dripping down my back. Cole is laughing hysterically beside me. 

“Open your hands,” I demand. He opens his hands and reveals sandy palms. 

“You caught me.” He smirks, as he gets Ivy moving. Before long we’re galloping by the water’s edge, beaming and remembering past birthdays, “Oh, my favorite was last year. Remember the crazy guy who was on a date with the Mickey Mouse balloon?” He’s clutching stomach from laughing too hard. He has to come down to the walk to avoid falling off. 

“YES! I think this year is my favorite. I finally got over the last jump on the novice cross country course. Theo and I are going to rock this show season. Not to brag or anything. But you’re going to want to watch out, or might just leave you in my dust” I chuckle, bringing Finley back right next to ivy. Looking Cole dead in the eyes.

“I’ll be at every show. Being your biggest fan...” Cole will always be my biggest fan. He said something under his breath but I didn't hear it. He continues, “Let’s slow down if we’re going to make it back to the trailer they’re going to need some energy. Ivy slows to a slow floating canter. I take a deep breath and sit deep, and Finley follows my motion to slow to the trot. His long powerful strides propel us forward, easily keeping up with his slower, less motivated sister. Everything is perfect; the water is clear and cool; the sunset is a bright orange  with pink clouds sprinkled in the sky. My best friend is with me, and I’m doing what I love.  _ Life really can’t get better than this. _

I feel like I’m flying. Free and powerful; nothing can stop me now. I ride this power high until the first raindrop falls The rain doesn’t halt and soon turns to a downpour. The downpour then turns to thunder and lightning. I look up and laugh uncontrollably. There is nothing better than a good downpour. It is exhilarating. Cantering our horses, we rush to get out of the storm. Concern overtakes my joy when Finley takes his first misstep and loses his back lead. His balance is coming questionable and I can only see this ending one way.  _ We need to slow down. We're going to slip.  _ Have you ever heard of Murphy's law? If something can go wrong, it will- and it did. Finley and I are coming in hot around a slight corner, but it’s just enough to make him lose his footing on the wet sand. I close my eyes and prepare for impact. There is a pain, then heat, then nothing at all.  _ I’m dead. This is how I die. _


	3. Sarah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah is in the hospital and must face some of her demons.

**Part 3: Sarah**

I’m somewhere warm and dark. I feel jarring motion beneath me, I must be in a car. My first thought-  _ this is heaven? _ My second is  _ I can’t be dead, I don’t want to be. Wake up. Wake up! _ Slowly I find the strength to open my eyes. I was right. I am in a car. No, not a car, an ambulance. 

“Cole?” I say quietly. A large hand closes around mine, it’s calloused and comforting. 

“Right here.” The familiar voice eases my racing heart, but only slightly. 

“Where are we? What happened? Where are the horses?” The questions were coming faster than I can think of them. 

“Slow down.” He draws out the word slow, as if saying it slower would ease the wildfire of questions burning in my brain. You and Finley had a fall. It looks like you broke your ankle and a few ribs. They’re worried there might be internal damage or head trauma. My mom came and picked up Ivy. I called for an ambulance as soon as you hit the ground. They’re taking you to Waterbury Hospital.” He speaks quietly, but I can hear the anxiety masked under the deep whisper.

Waterbury. Finley. ribs broken? His words make some sense, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he isn’t telling me like something is missing. Something isn’t right. It hits me. Finley fell too, and he didn’t say his mom picked Finley up. Just Ivy. “Cole?”

“Yes?” 

“Where’s Fin?” He sits in silence. The beeps on my heart monitor speed up and their volume increases. My breaths become more shallow and I grimace at the pain in my ribs. I repeat myself, “Cole. Where. Is. Finley?” He sighs. 

“He, uh. When you guys fell, he, uh. His neck curled, S. He had to be taken to the tufts right away to prevent any permanent damage.” He’s fighting back tears. I am too. The odds are stacked up against Finley. He’s a fighter, but that’s the problem. He won’t stand still long enough for the bones to properly heal.

We sit in silence, feeling the bumps in the road and trying not to cry. I don’t care about myself. I don’t even feel the pain. I only feel fear for Finley, and I pray he’ll make it through. 

“S, I want to tell you something. I… I …” He plays with the ring on his right hand, a sure give away that he’s nervous. He is about to continue but is interrupted when my heart rate monitor starts beeping wildly. The sirens suddenly turn on and sing their familiar song. I blackout again. The last thing I see is Coles’s anxious face and hands reaching over me. 

…

It’s August 2013, the sky is a clear bright blue. Cole and I wanted to do liberty training with Finley, so we took him out to the field behind my barn. He was so happy to be outside, to feel the warmth of the sun and the cool breeze. We took his halter off and watched him prance around the field, coming back every so often to make sure we weren’t going to leave him here alone. I pet his forelock down and kiss his nose. I grew more and more confused when the urge to start crying overcame me.  _ This isn’t how it happened. Why is this happening?  _ The memory shifts and the sky turns black. Finley screams, and bolts away from me. I called after him, “Please, come back! I need you.” He runs farther and farther away from me until I’m all alone. I turn away from the point where Finley faded into the horizon. 

I bump into something and stumble back. I’m horrified, it’s Finley again, but he’s not  _ my  _ Finley. His face is scarred, his legs are mutilated. Charred skin clings to the bone, blood oozing from every opening. A scared tortured look burns in his eyes. They beg me to stop the pain, to stop everything. I run the other direction, but he follows me. I stop in my tracks and let him trample me. The last thing I see is--

...

“Hey guys,” my voice is quiet but everyone looks at me. Cole’s face is pale and tired, a face that seems to be echoed onto everyone. It hurts to look at him, I can’t stand to see him so unhappy.

“Hey, baby. How are you feeling? Do you remember what happened?” Mom may have spoken the words but it was clear she wasn’t the only one thinking it. Four pairs of eyes look at me intently, staring me down, it was almost comical. I attempt to sit up but a piercing pain shoots up my left side. 

“Ah!” Looking down I see my wrist is braced and my leg is wrapped in a cast. Bandages are peeking out from under my gown. Mother hovers even closer to me scanning my body for the source of my pain, “I’m fine mom, calm down. I just have a little headache that’s all.” She slowly backs up to sit in her chair across the room, but I know she doesn’t believe me.

“That’s all?” Cole spits, “That’s definitely not all. You broke your leg in two places, pretty much shattered your wrist, and broke two ribs!” He is almost yelling now. The eyes of everyone in the room now shift from me to Cole.

“Cole,” I plead. “Please calm down. You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” He throws his hands up and storms out of the room. On the verge of tears, I manage to finally answer my mother’s first question, “Last night Cole and I went for a ride on the beach. A storm came, Finley spooked, and that’s all I remember. Am I missing something? Is Finley okay?” Mom and Cathy exchange worried looks. “What? What’s wrong?” 

Cathy is the only one brave enough to answer my questions, “Honey, I really hate to tell you this, But… Finley didn’t make it.” A cold wave of dread washes through me. 

“He… he’s dead?” I hate silence. My sorroe is magnified by my inability to ask how Cole is doing. I worry my accidnent might have lost me two of the most important things in my life. Finley, I can learn to live without him, but I would be nothing without Cole. When I get into my dark moods, it’s always him to get me out and show me the good in the world. My mixture of emotions reacts violently with whatever meds they have me on and I am suddenly violently sick to my stomach. The sudden loss of fluids drains my energy and causes my BP to drop. My mother shoots to the door and screams for a nurse. They come barging into the room thinking I’m dying when all I need are some fluids. I can already tell this is going to be hell for me.

_**Dear Diary,** _

_**The days that pass are lonely, dark, and scary. It has now been four days since my birthday. The time I spend alone in my bed is agony. I can’t use my phone to talk to anybody, I’m not even allowed to read. Left to my thoughts, frightening darkness overthrows my normally optimistic mood. Cole comes to see me once a day, maybe two if I’m lucky. Today he was telling me about Finley’s burial. Not exactly the best thing for my already dark thoughts, but I appreciate him trying to help me stay in the loop.** _

_**Doctor Eyebrows (the name I have created for my doctor) says I can leave tomorrow, but still no reading or using anything with LED lights. Says it’s bad for my brain, “It needs time to heal,” he says. It can’t be doing too much healing with all the painful thoughts that routinely snuff out the happiness and light in me. I don’t think I remember the last time I smiled or even spoke to my family. They worry for me. I worry about me. Unless I start speaking, my mother’s going to send me to an asylum. Crazy right. She thinks I have lost my mind. I haven’t! She just can’t accept that I’m not who I used to be. I’m a shell of who she was. I should care, but I don’t.** _

“Cole?” my voice is strange, even to me. I look away from the corner I have been staring at for two days. His eyes are intent on mine.

_**Of course, he’s surprised, why wouldn’t he be? I have given people no reason to think I would ever find a way out of the dark hole eating me from the inside.** _

_**  
** _ “Cole. I want to go to the barn tomorrow. I need to see Theo. Doc. says I can ride in two months. I want to ride the second my cast comes off. After we see Theo tomorrow, I want to go to the beach.” He thinks my request over, then nods. 

_**Looking away I go back to looking at my corner. I let out a broken sigh. It’s breaking him to see me like this and not know how to help. What we would normally do is go on a hack with Theo and Ivy, or if I already rode Theo, we would take Finley. Obviously I can’t do that, for multiple reasons. He just can’t seem to see that I’m okay. I am fine. I haven’t lost my mind and he can go on to live his life without hovering all the time. He blames himself for the accident, I don’t. I wish he would stop with the hero complex, things happen, life sucks, move on.  
Tick tick tick the clock in my room is broken, it never says tock, only ever going tick, tick, tick, tick. I am broken, the darkness in me is the tock, responding to the lonely call of the clock. It begs me to let it out. I can’t loosen my hold on it. It is the only sure thing I have. Before my accident, I was never scared to ride. Riding was the tick to my dark tock. I needed riding to make it through the week. Now that I’m without it, I can’t see any reason to keep going. I know it’s temporary, but what if I can't get over my new fears and I never ride again. What if I see Theo tomorrow and he hates me for not visiting him in almost a week? What if I never get to jump again? I’m using this as an excuse to not do the hard things, and they are all letting me. They are enabling my crippling disposition. I can always count on you to listen,  
Sarah  
** _

The face I have come to know as the “bringer of bad news” saunters into my room. A smile is on her face. “Guess what Miss May?”

“I’m on the edge of my seat, just tell me already.” Is it possible to sound sarcastic, bored, and yet still be completely void of emotion at one time? If it is, that’s what I assume I sound like. Her grimace confirms that my message is clear, I don’t want any games just straight facts. 

“You’re being discharged. You can collect your things and leave, as soon as your papers are signed.” I nod dismissively, but inside I am screaming. I don’t want to leave, if I leave I can’t hide anymore. Fear and panic are starting to flood over the dam I put up. The rhythmic 1,2,3 of my heartbeats turn into a frantic 1,2,3,4,5. Eyebrows looks over, concerned. “Where does it hurt? Do you need more medication for the pain?” It became difficult to breathe, and the walls seem to be closing in. 

“I can’t breath! The walls! The walls are closing in! I can’t get out. I NEED to get out!” I rip at the needles in my arms. Hands cover mine, restraining me. “Let me go! Please, I need to get out.” I start screaming and fighting against multiple people. A familiar fresh wave of cold rushes into my bloodstream and I can feel the energy draining out of me. Slowly, the walls turn to black and the feeling of hands disappears. A soothing voice coaxes me into yet another dreamless, torturous sleep. 

“You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. Just calm down, dear.” the voice is warm and comforting, I do as it instructs. 

__

…

“It appears she’s developed severe anxiety and most likely has severe depression. Have you noticed anything different in her mood?” I open my eyes, mom and Cole are in the room and they’re staring at the doctor with confusion painted on their faces. I don’t believe the doctor, I know how I feel and I feel fine. There is no way I am staying in this bed. I’m going to the barn, and no one can stop me. 

“Mom, I want to go riding later today. I don’t have to put a saddle on, or even walk. I just need to be on a horse.” She looks questioningly at the doctor who looks at me. 

“Listen, Sarah. I can’t stop you from riding. But, I highly highly suggest that you don’t attempt to ride for another three months, four to be sure you are completely healed.” I know my doctor is just saying what she has to, but to me, it feels like she’s trying to keep me away from what I need to heal

“Thank you for the advice, but I am riding today and you can’t stop me.” I new fire burns in my eyes; determination. 

“Very well. I will bring in your discharge papers, and you can be out of here by 1:00 PM.” Eyebrows picks up my chart and leaves the room in one swift motion. 

__

The car ride to the barn is tense and quiet. I make a new corner to stare at and avoid human interaction. Still, Cole talks the entire ride. It starts out happy and optimistic but got angrier. “You are so amazing and I am so proud of you.” I’m not exactly what he is proud of me for, but I nod when appropriate. His pride turns to fear, “you should start going to therapy for your anxiety.” While I was sedated I apparently had two more anxiety breakdowns. I didn’t look at him, he took this as permission to repeat himself. “Sarah. You should be on medication, or going to therapy.” I lose my patience and blow up on him. 

“Maybe you should just shut up! I don’t need YOU to be telling me what I need!” although I’m screaming one thing at him, I know that he’s right. I look away, hiding my face. Cole knows me better than anyone else. He would know for sure that something is wrong, simply by the frightened look in my eyes. 

The familiar barn comes into view, and a happy nicker chases the car. Theo chases the car from the other side of the paddock fence. “Hey, baby!” for the first time since the beach I feel  a resemblance of joy. He follows us and saunters into his stall. I grab my crutch and almost run to the barn. The joy inside me grows as I near Theos stall door. My crutch lightly hits the ground with a muffled thump. I hug the warm beast before me. His calm, happy attitude lifts mine even further. As I promised, I didn’t tack up Theo. Instead, I slip the halter over his soft nose and attach the leadline. 

“Cole! Can you give me a boost?” In the sandy ring, Cole comes up behind me. I place my boot in his hand and push off. Right away I can tell something is wrong, Theo can too. 

“Get me down! Please get me off!” I’m terrified. Has the ground always been so far down? Before Cole can get me down, Theo takes off toward the opposite side of the arena. I’m holding onto the pommel of the saddle with the reins clutched in my hands, but it’s no use, I fall to the ground. I get lucky and land on a patch of grass. Cole and Mother rush to my side. Words like “I knew it was a bad idea”, and “ I should never have let you leave the car” were spoken in a chaotic rush. The panic wells up in me again, but I take deep breaths and watch as Theo calms down. Watching him calm helps me do the same.

To my own surprise, I calmly say, “I am okay. I want to leave.” To add to the growing list of things that have both shocked and infuriated me, they refuse and make me stay.

“You know my rules, Sarah. When you fall off, no matter how bad, you must get back on.” Back on? Is she crazy? The fear starts to come back, but this time I let it drown me. 

Through clenched teeth I instruct Cole to hold onto Theo. Once I am sure he is secure I let out a scream. As the sound escapes my lips I imagine my fear going with it. It works. Without meeting the eyes of anyone I walk proudly over to my gelding. This time I remain calm and mount Theo. I make sure to give him a loose rein and not put any pressure on him. He walks slowly and evenly around the ring. I’m doing it! I’m really doing it. Before I realize what was happening, I was crying. The warm tears stream uncontrollably down my face. Nobody tries to help me. It finally dawns on me that they understand. They understand that I’m not crying tears of pain. I am finally free from the dark, lonely room. I can see the light again, and I’m never letting it out of sight again. 

  
  
  


**Four months later**

_**Dear Diary,** _

_**Last we spoke I was in the hospital, too afraid to ride my own horse. I was in a really dark place back then, I seemed to have lost the ability to see the hope or joy in anything. I lost the light. The day I was discharged I went to the barn to confront my fear. I am so happy that I did that. It really allowed me to admit I have a problem. So, against my better judgment, I started going to therapy for my anxiety. That was the best thing I could’ve done. Cole comes with me to the meetings and helps me when I break down in school from stress.** _

_**I’ve been slowly regaining my muscle. My cast was taken off a week ago and I haven’t missed a day of riding.Mom says I can start cantering again soon. Theo could not have been a better boy through my recovery. It’s almost as if he can tell I need him to be a little more careful. On the outside, I look exactly like I did before I broke my leg. The inside is a different story. I feel empty some days, and happier than anyone should be on other days. I made a chant with my counselor, it goes “I will not let the fear take over. I am strong enough to fight through the day!” I say that when stress and pressure gets to be too much.** _

_**Ever since that first day, when I fell off Theo, I have been spending almost every day at the barn his energy calms me and it’s like he is my own personal stress ball. When I need comforting I can give him a squeeze and all my worries seem to melt away.** _

_**Till we meet again,** _   
_**Sarah** _


	4. Sarah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sarah heals she has another more dangerous threat to deal with

**Part 4: Sarah**

Mom is walking ahead of me, with confidence in her stride. Cole is ahead of her by a few feet, he insists on coming with me every time. We are leaving from another one of my physical therapy sessions when I see a familiar face passing by. “Perry?” I call out. He looks over, a smile spreads across his face. 

“Hey, Sarah May. Gosh, where have you been?” He looks me over. 

“I tried wrestling a bull,” I tease. “You should see the other guy.” Cole walks up to us, disapproval already etched on his face. 

“Hi. I’m Cole. And you are?” Cole spoke with a coldness I hadn’t seen in a long time. The last time he was this hard towards someone was when his brother started coming home drunk and passing out on the porch. 

“I’m Perry.” Perry seems to have match Coles’s harsh tone. “Hey, isn’t your brother Miles?”

“You know him?”

“Yeah, I think we got into a fight once. Nice left hook he’s got there. You tell him if he ever wants to hang, ask Sarah. She’s got my number.” Perry winks at me. 

“I should get going, mom’s not going to wait forever. See you later Sarah May.” Perry was becoming less and less attractive with every minute I spent with him. What did he mean by “see you later”? He must’ve thought I was going to the barn soon. 

“I don’t want you talking to guys like him.” 

“No objections there. Hey, do you want to go out for those tacos, we never got them on my birthday.”

“Yeah, I’d like that. We need to talk in private too.”

“Agreed.” 

We hop in my red chevy sliverato. Mom is letting me drive myself places again. It was painful being chauffeured around all the time. Cole is playing with the strings on his hoodie the whole drive, barely saying a word to me. I pull into the taco bell and order our usuals, a Dorito taco shell with plain taco filling. Cole was still being a bit distant with me and never looked directly at me. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” I say. “It was my choice to get on...on the horse. You didn’t make me do anything. Nobody can control the weather.” 

“Hmh,” 

“Hmh? That’s all I get? Just a sound. Say something! Anything! Yell at me. Just please say something.” I don’t know where the rage came from, but I use it as fuel. 

“You want me to say something? Fine! I don’t blame you for what happened. How could I? You said the sky looked like a storm. What did I do? Ignore it. I blame myself for not bringing Finley’s boots. I blame myself for almost getting you killed a fate you almost share with Finley. I blame myself for ruining your event season!” Cole’s hands are shaking, gripping into fists so tight I’m sure he was cutting his hands with his own nails. 

“Cole?” I’m worried about him. “Are you okay?” 

“No, Sarah! I’m not okay! I’m in LOVE with my best friend! I’m the reason she won’t get to do the thing she loves most.” He pushes open the car door. “I have to get some air.” With that, he storms away.

I waited for the shock of what had happened to wear off, but it didn’t. Instead, I let myself silently cry. I cry and cry for what feels like years, letting the weight crush me.  _ Love? He said he loves me?  _

This is it, I think. This is what finally pushes away Cole, and any happiness I had known. The sun is starting to set outside.  _ Can it really be that late already? What time is it anyway?  _ I think. Looking at the clock it reads 5:26.  _ Two hours, really? It only felt like a few minutes.  _ There’s an abrupt tap on the car door, “Ma'am, you're going to have to leave the premises. You need to order more food, or leave.” The man is short and wide with ache covering his face. 

“Can I just stay here a little longer, my friend’s going to be back real soon.” I bat my eyelashes, trying to look as pathetic as I can. 

“Y..Y...Yeah sure.” He stutters. 

“You’re a kind man,” I say in a sweet childish voice. He walks away, and back into the Taco Bell. I’m laughing before I know what has happened. In the distance, I can see a dark figure walking towards the car. “Cole?” I call out.  _ No, that’s not Cole. He’s too short, and the build’s not right. _ The setting sun makes it hard for me to make out a face. 

The figure continues to get closer and closer to my position.  _ You’re just being paranoid, He could just be a nice gentleman going for a walk.  _ I didn’t believe my own lies. I’ve always been skeptical. When I was five, I lost my mom at the playground. I had no reason to freak out, but everywhere I looked I saw people who wanted to take me away. 

Now I feel that same desperate feeling. Looking around I try to find anything that could be used as a weapon in case I’m not just being paranoid. I was in a sea of beer cans, but Miles never carried his weapons in his car. If he ever got pulled over, being arrested for underage drinking and DUI, a weapon would only put him deeper in the mud. 

_ Focus Sarah! Focus.  _ Rocks flew through the windshield, one nailed me in the head. The warmth was seeping from a newly made gash in my forehead. Glass was covering the dashboard. I thought it was just the windshield, but the windows were broken too _. _ I  _ guess there’s no use in locking the doors _ I think. The last thing I remember seeing before fainting from seeing my own blood is the figure opening the door and taking me out of the car. 


	5. Cole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cole sheds some light on his point of view through the terrifying events of last chapter

**Part 5: Cole**

There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach as I near the car. I drop my bag and break into a run. The hood is covered in glass. There are small dents in the metal of the truck, and the paint is scratched. “Sarah?” The sinking feeling turns to dread. I try to make sense of what I’m seeing. Sarah is missing and the car is destroyed. There is blood on the seats, and nothing about this makes me think that she just went to get some air as I had.  _ Where is she? Is she hurt?  _ I have a complete meltdown. Frantically I spin around, looking everywhere I can think of. Rushing to the open window of the restaurant I look inside;  _ where is she?! _ There is only one other car in the parking lot, a large white van. 

In my panic, I missed the muffled pounding sound coming from the van. It’s like white noise. The van is pulling out of the parking lot, but I can just make out the person’s voice inside, “Let me go! Someone help! Cole?!” The voice is no doubt Sarah’s. Running at a full sprint, I attempt to chase down the car. 

“I will find you!” I yell at the van as it speeds away.  _ I can’t lose her. I won’t let her down again, that’s a promise.  _ Quickly, before the van is out of view, I take out my phone and get a picture of the license plate. Since my phone is already out, with trembling hands I dial 9-1-1. 

“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?”

“Hello? My friend, Sarah May was just taken away in a van against her will. We are at Taco Bell, 276 Chase Ave, in Waterbury. Please hurry, he’s getting away.” On the verge of tears, I quickly explain the situation. It feels like a bubble has been wrapped around me. Keeping me from being able to help. 

“Sir, please calm down. We’re sending police to your location. Did you happen to get the license plate?”

I quickly recall the numbers, “Yes. It was, A76G5R.”

“Thank you, we are tracking the car now. Do you remember what color it was?”

“White, but the windows. They were darker. Maybe tinted?” 

“Sir, your information is very helpful. We are in pursuit of the car. Can you tell me your name?” Almost as if they were on cue, the trooper cars race by. It feels like my own thoughts are getting louder and louder inside my head, screaming at me to do something. 

“Cole. Cole Young.”

I can’t just sit here and watch, I need to help her. But I can’t. Not on my own at least. Careful to not sit on glass, I climb into Sarah's truck. I don’t care about the scattered glass and rocks. 

I follow the chase of cars speeding down the road, not caring if I got a ticket. I wasn’t involved for long because some staties caught me after just a few minutes. They wanted nothing to do with my excuses and escorted me home to ensure I didn’t rejoin the chase after they gave me the ticket.

I pull up to my house and open the door. The helpless feeling had returned making it seem like the world is darker and sounds were muffled. I am completely numb to the outside world. The only thing I can feel is fear and pain. Nothing mattered but what happened to her. 

My mother’s smile quickly fades once she sees the car’s windshield out the front door. “Cole? Cole? What happened? Where’s Sarah?” With each syllable, the panic in her voice grows stronger and fear envelopes her entire body. I stay silent, unable to speak. “Cole! Answer me!” Mom never yells. 

“She and I fought. I left for half an hour at most,” I manage to mumble. “I came back to apologize and the car was ruined. Sarah was gone and her voice was coming from the back of a van. I think...I think we lost her.” I’m only vaguely aware of how stupid I sounded, but it’s how I feel. Slowly mom walks toward me with open arms. I run to her and allow myself to fall apart, using her shoulder to quiet my sobs. 

“What do we do now? Do we go looking for her?” I throw pointless questions mom. They’re just words. They don’t bring her back. In fact, they make her seem further lost. 

My array of questions are interrupted by an abrupt knock on the door. Wiping our tears away we answer it. A tall, muscular police officer is investigating our doorbell when we open the door. 

“Uh, hello sir.” My mother says. 

“Hello, ma’am. Is Cole Young here?” He says in a husky voice. 

“That’s me. Have you found Sarah yet?” I step in front of my mother to look the man in the eyes. 

“I’m sorry to tell you, but we lost sight of the car. Our team is working very hard to locate it again. We must inform her guardians of the situation, could you give me an address?” The man said he’s sorry, but his eyes looked bored. I let my mom take over, I couldn’t deal with this incompetent man. 

“Sarah lives with her mother at 665 Square Village Rd.” 

“Thank you, Ma’am.” He took one last look at our doorbell and walked back to his car. If the situation weren’t so serious I would’ve laughed at the loony guy. Sarah would have cracked a joke about him. Then again, if Sarah were here, he wouldn’t be. 


End file.
